Your Fourth Pop Quiz. Let’s Hope You Studied. Oh, Wait.
by David Kennedy Bird
Abstract: We’re scaling the Pop Quizzes down from ten questions to six questions, so as to accommodate the declining intellectual powers of the internet-dwelling audience. No! Wait. What i meant to say was, it’s just easier to manage a pop quiz when there’s not a sprawling mess of nonsense stretched out in every direction. Wait! No! Doggone it, i’m having a bit of trouble getting my thoughts onto paper here. Anyway, here’s your most recent pop quiz. Enjoy!
1. Nonsense and its vicissitudes. Which of the following statements is true of sense and non-sense?
a. Sense is the sort of thing that makes sense, and nonsense doesn’t.
b. Sense is sensible. And nonsense is…non-sensible.
c. Well, jeepers, thus far we don’t really seem to have established anything.
d. Hey, dude, tautological statements are better than no statements at all.
e. The difference between sense and nonsense is kind of similar to the difference between peanut butter and almond butter.
f. Okay, now THAT did not make any sense.
g. Sure, well, maybe it’s YOUR MOM that doesn’t make any sense.
h. Sense is that which can be sensed, whereas nonsense is that which can non be sensed.
i. Sense and nonsense is the name of a popular novel by Jane Austen.
j. I am surrounded by insane people.
2. Absurdity is to nonsense as reason is to ___________________ .
e. Good sense
f. Someone else’s Mom
g. A fork and a knife
h. Six heaping teaspoons of castor oil
i. Dude, you can’t have a heaping teaspoon of castor oil
j. Six heaping teaspoons of castor oil that has been dried into a powder
3. The four levels of nonsense delineated in the post “Nonsense and Its Vicissitudes” are:
a. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
b. Maggie and Milly and Molly and May
c. Groucho, Harpo, Zeppo and Chico
d. Height, width, depth, and time
e. What in the WORLD are these people talking about.
f. Pigs are the coolest animals, when you really stop to think about it.
g. Chaos and abaddon, with darkness upon the face of the deep
h. That wasn’t four things, it was three.
i. Your Mom is four things, how about that?
j. [sinks head into hands and heaves a sigh that evokes levels of despair previously undreamed of except in villages that have been saturation-bombed with old issues of Mad magazine for weeks and weeks on end]
4. When it comes right down to it, do flockbinkers really have any place in a discussion of philosophy?
a. Yes, indeed.
b. No sirree.
c. Well, yes and no.
d. Neither yes nor no.
e. “Neither yes nor no” isn’t a valid answer to this question.
f. Look here, bozo, how about i set down my answers, and you set down yours, okay?
g. Yes, but without the “indeed” following it.
h. Maybe. You show me what’s in your hand, and i’ll show you what’s in mine, heh heh.
i. These people are disgusting and filthy, and that’s just the site administrators.
j. To err is human, and on top of that, if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with.
5. Which of the following statements may be accurately made regarding nonsense?
a. ‘Nonsense’ may be understood as the opposite of ‘sense’.
b. ‘Nonsense’ may be defined as “that which is contrary to the laws of logic.”
c. Nonsense don’t make much sense, now, do it. Heh heh, heh heh.
d. ‘Nonsense’ my be defined as, “that which… is… Your Mom.”
e. Pee-Wee Herman attempted to have a meaningful conversation with Mr. Bean. What resulted was utter nonsense.
f. Nonsense can be delightful and lovely, tra la la, tra la la, tra la la.
g. Nonsense is what you get when you enroll in Mrs. Vickers’ Gender Studies class.
h. Hey, don’t be trashing Mrs. Vickers now, she puts together a mean zucchini casserole.
i. Do you realize you just complimented a feminist academic on the strength of her cooking.
j. Nonsense is what you’ve got when you ain’t got nothin’ else.
6. If you were to line up five Bertrand Russells along the top of a fence, which of the following would obtain?
a. The possibility of five Bertrand Russells existing elsewhere at the same time would be eliminated.
b. The statement “There are not five Bertrand Russells on the fence” would be rendered nonsensical.
c. There couldn’t be five Bertrand Russells, ‘Bertrand Russell’ being an entity of an essentially unitary status.
d. Please tell me i’m having a nightmare.
e. Five Bertrand Russells, each of them immersed in nightmare, cannot at one and the same time be awake or immersed in pleasant dreams.
f. When you’ve got five Bertrand Russells on the top of a fence, now, and here’s the part i’m needing you to pay attention to–it’s the important aspect of the discussion–um—
h. Okay, now these questions are really getting kind of ridiculous.
i. Maybe it’s Your Mom that’s getting kind of ridiculous.