How Long Has It Been Since We’ve Had a Pop Quiz? TOO Long.
by David Kennedy Bird
Abstract: What’s the point in offering stimulating content, if we’re not making sure that our audience is fully tuned in? Here is the third in our agonizing… er, ongoing… series of delightful, challenging and educational pop quizzes. Have fun! Hope ya studied!
Note: In days of yore, our ‘Fun Quizzes’ used to feature ten questions, each accompanied by ten possible answers. It was borne in upon us that this arrangement was probably a bit much for your typical blog reader. “Omigosh, that’s just so much stuff to look over, i think i’m about to have a cow,” noted Sara, from Cheyenne, Wyoming. Phil, from the D.C. suburbs, added, “You people are dumber than my fox terrier, Ralph,” while Genevieve, from the Tampa Bay area, said, “When i eat a York Peppermint Patty, i get the sensation of being out in the middle of the Sahara Desert.” We may not be philosophically advanced enough to understand Genevieve’s insight, but it sure sounds cool.
Pop Quiz #3
1. Philosophy is a pursuit often associated with which kinds of people?
a. You totally don’t EVEN want to know.
b. Well, there are two kinds of people in the world.
c. What? ^
d. Intelligent, reflective people who think widely and deeply, and are unsatisfied with glib answers to life’s perennial questions. Also three-headed dwarves with eczema.
e. What?? ^
f. We three kings of orient are / Bearing gifts, we traverse afar / Field and fountain, moor and mountain / Following yonder star.
g. What??? ^
h. Well, the “three kings” thing made about as much sense as any of the other answers.
i. Your MOM is a philosopher.
j. This pop quiz seems to be off to a really dismal start. But maybe that’s just my opinion.
2. Which of the following statements are accurate discussions of Ultimate Reality?
a. It is that grid against which all things–that are, in fact, genuine phenomena–occur.
b. It is the cloth within which the universe unfolds.
c. It is the sum total of God and all of His works.
d. It is the collection of all true statements, along with their proper referents.
e. What the heck, man. You people actually talk about this stuff on the regular. Huh.
f. We do indeed, o thou insignificant sosh major. [snicker] The sosh major has an opinion! Listen to the sosh major trying to express his opinion!
g. I’m not a sosh major, dude. For your information, i majored in gender dynamics.
h. Ultimate Reality is that which is ultimate, and is also reality. And, um. Y’know.
i. Elizabeth, baby, i’m comin’ to ya. [clutches desperately about his chest area]
j. I cannot EVEN. Seriously.
3. If you were to encounter Ultimate Reality stuffed down into a breadbox, which of the following would be appropriate responses?
b. Wait–isn’t ultimate reality bigger than a breadbox?
c. Yeah, i’m with answer number b. Reality can’t be stuffed into a breadbox.
d. ‘B,’ for what it’s worth, is not a number. It’s a letter. Dumbass.
e. What even. I do not EVEN.
f. It hardly matters, comrades, whether ‘b’ is a letter or a number. What matters is the dictatorship of the proletariat and the throwing off of those shackles formed by our adherence to the values and assumptions of the bourgeois class.
g. Hmmm. Wow. I’m just kind of standing around watching the parade go by.
h. Can you actually stuff Ultimate Reality down into a breadbox? I mean, wouldn’t it be kind of small down in there? I’m just, you know, wondering.
i. They addressed that issue in answers ‘b’ and ‘c’.
j. Oh. Whoops! So they did. My bad.
4. True or False: Metaphysics and Ontology both deal with the nature of being.
c. Both true and false
d. Neither true nor false
e. Both true and false, only not at the same time
f. True. Kind of. Well, i mean. You know. ‘True.’ Heh heh.
g. There were these six blind men who encountered an elephant, okay. And the first one touches the elephant’s trunk. And he says, “This animal is like a snake.”
h. Your Mom.
i. After all this time, does it really matter?
j. That other kind of false. Not the regular kind.
5. It is widely believed that flockbinkers and wamwams have in common the property of being treadknicious. What other attribute(s) do they have in common?
a. Wait, stop. I have some questions about what that word ‘treadknicious’ means.
b. You can’t stop someone in the middle of his quiz just to request a definition of terms.
c. Well, i can and i did. ‘Treadknicious’ is a stupid word. I bet it doesn’t mean anything.
d. For that matter, ‘flockbinker’ and ‘wamwam’ probably don’t mean anything, either.
e. What does ‘treadknicious’ mean?
f. Get with the program, dude. They talked about that already in ‘a’ through ‘c’.
g. Oh. Oops! My bad. Carry on, my brothers and sisters.
h. Well, they have ‘spunk-boobly-osterific-titude’ in common too, if i’m not mistaken.
i. My goodness, is that spunk thing even a real word? I don’t believe i’ve ever heard it.
j. They have Your Mom in common.
6. Confucius and the Buddha appear to congregate at Chili’s restaurant with some degree of frequency. Which of the following statements is true of these meetings?
a. Their time together tends to be characterized by profound explorations of the nature of Reality and of the Good Life.
b. Confucius and the Buddha are almost singlehandedly the reason why those ‘Southwestern Eggrolls’ have stayed on the menu all these years. Anybody else eat those?
c. The Buddha likes to make profound-sounding remarks about the relationship between True Mind and the wind blowing and the water flowing, that sort of thing.
d. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I’ve tried it. No dice.
e. You can lead three Scotsmen to a fence, but you can’t make them sit on top of it.
f. Confucius is a cool dude and whatnot, but he’s not very good at running crowd control. What i mean is, Buddha says all this stupid stuff, that’s supposed to sound all profound and whatnot, or whatever, and Confucius just kind of rolls his eyes. Not enough, man! You need to exercise a stronger policy on that kind of nonsense!
g. Someone’s Mom, maybe Yours.
h. Omigosh, enough with the comments about someone’s Mom! I’m dying over here!
i. Confucius and the Buddha are two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The third one may just be Jeff MacDiarmid, who lives in east Trenton, NJ, just got a divorce last year, eats Post Toasties straight out of the box, and is a sort of old-school cobbler.
j. When the Fusch and Big Bud get together, the joint’s about to be jumpin’, that’s all i’ve got to say on the subject.