The Good Reader Appears to Be in an Unusually Good Mood.
by David Kennedy Bird
Abstract: In which our good friend, The Good Reader, enters stage left and spreads clouds of euphoria all about. And what can be the cause of this unaccustomed good humor? WE DON’T KNOW! But, doggone it, we’re about to find out.
The Good Reader has been one of the central characters on this blog since its inception, or the point when we started the blog, whichever came first. She is a fairly sharp cookie, and enjoys engaging the Blogger in a variety of topics, often taking the devil’s advocate position simply to keep things lively. Um, at least we assume this is why she would even consider taking a position different from that of the Blogger. It’s difficult to think of any other reason. I mean. Anyway.
Regrettably, The Good Reader often appears to be in a less than ideal mood, perhaps owing to her being unaccustomed to philosophical discourse–
The Good Reader: Now, just you wait one cotton-frickin’ minute, Mister Blogger. I’m every bit as good with “philosophical discourse” as you are. At LEAST.
The Blogger: Well now, if it isn’t The Good Reader herself, in the flesh! How delightful to receive a visit from you.
The Good Reader: Don’t change the subject.
The Blogger: Absolutely not! We were about to talk about the fact that you’ve recently seemed to be in a much better mood than you’ve tended to be in, in the past.
The Good Reader: Hrrmph. Well, i guess that’s sort of true.
The Blogger: So, i imagine our readers are curious to know what’s the cause of your change of mood?
The Good Reader: Readers? Our ‘readers’? What readers? What do you mean, ‘readers’?
The Blogger: Um, oh dear, ooff.
The Good Reader: ‘Readers.’ What a queer sort of thing to say, Mister Blogger.
The Blogger: Um, uh, it was a figure of speech.
The Good Reader: A figure of speech? Meaning what? You’re not making any sense.
The Blogger: Um, er, ahem, so what prompts this change of mood?
The Good Reader: Mmmm. Well, i’ve had some really good news this morning!
The Blogger: Indeed?
The Good Reader: Indeed what?
The Blogger: Indeed: what’s the good news!
The Good Reader: Oh. Right. I feel silly. Well, the good news is that my nephew just earned his black belt!
The Blogger: He earned his black belt?
The Good Reader: He did.
The Blogger: What martial art does he practice?
The Good Reader: Oh, i don’t know, “Hae Kwon Phu” or something. I can’t keep them all sifted out in my mind. It sure looks impressive, though.
The Blogger: I didn’t even know you had a nephew.
The Good Reader: There is much that you do not know about me, oh Mister Blogger-Fellow. I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
The Blogger: Say, that was good! “A mystery stuffed into a riddle.” Did i get that right?
The Good Reader: Oh, close enough for rock and roll.
The Blogger: Is this an expression of your own devising?
The Good Reader: Nah. I think Sir Winston Churchill came up with it.
The Blogger: Such a clever chap, that Sir Wilson Churchwell.
The Good Reader: Ahem. Back to my little nephew.
The Blogger: Yes. A prodigy, by the sound of it!
The Good Reader: Kid’s a regular martial arts phenomenon! He was kicking, um, hiney, and taking names.
The Blogger: Your pleasure in his achievement seems entirely justified.
The Good Reader: You’re dern tootin’! [a proud expression invests itself upon her features] He made one of the other little boys cry.
The Blogger: Did he now! Well, that’s just wonderful.
The Good Reader: I’m so proud of him.
The Blogger: I hope he didn’t get in trouble for wounding one of his fellow competitors.
The Good Reader: What? Oh! No, you don’t understand. He didn’t HURT anybody. He used LOGIC on them.
The Blogger: Ah, so he… um. Waittasecond. He used LOGIC on one of the other children?
The Good Reader: [beaming] He did. And i know you and i have had our differences, Mr. Blogger, but i must confess that i stole some of your logic oriented material and fed it to him to use during the tournament, before he went up there.
The Blogger: The Good Reader, you must fill me… and my readership… in on all of the juicy details!
The Good Reader: Sure thing! No. Wait. Your ‘readership’? What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?
The Blogger: Oh, ha ha, just messing around with you, ha ha, once again, ha ha.
The Good Reader: [a somewhat dark expression on her face] Okay. Whatever. So little Aloysius was up against another little fellow who seemed bigger and more aggressive than he was, and i was honestly kind of afraid for him.
The Blogger: The poor tyke!
The Good Reader: And i could tell that he was kind of nervous.
The Blogger: Bless his heart!
The Good Reader: But then, i saw a kind of resolution pass over his brow, if i can put it that way, and he leaned in and whispered something to the other little boy.
The Blogger: Did he now! Probably something along the lines of, “Please don’t break too many of my bones.”
The Good Reader: Ha! No. I’ll tell you what he whispered to him. This is based on what Aloysius told me about it later. He said, and i quote, “All flockbinkers are treadknicious.”
The Blogger: No!
The Good Reader: He did.
The Blogger: You’re toasting my egg noodle!
The Good Reader: Nope, not that that expression means anything. That’s what he said. See, i had prepped him before the event. And the other little boy fell back a little bit.
The Blogger: I should say! No one can stand before the force of sheer logic.
The Good Reader: I guess not. And then Aloysius–
The Blogger: That’s a terrible name, by the way.
The Good Reader: Right, right. So then Aloysius took a step toward the other fellow, and whispered to him, “And all wamwams are flockbinkers.”
The Blogger: Well i’ll be.
The Good Reader: Now, the other kid was beginning to get kind of shaken up, you know, sort of confused and disoriented.
The Blogger: There’s no force stronger than logic.
The Good Reader: I guess not. And then… remember, the round hasn’t even begun yet, they’re just standing there on the mat… Aloysius…
The Blogger: He’s had to go through life with that name.
The Good Reader: Right, just for a few years. He’s eleven. Aloysius leans in and whispers one more thing to the other kiddo, who begins shaking violently, and weeping openly. You want to know what he said?
The Blogger: [proudly] I can guess. I bet he said, “Therefore, all wamwams are treadknicious.” Hmm? That’s what he said?
The Good Reader: That’s what he said. He’s a black belt now.
The Blogger: Well of course he is. How proud you must be.
The Good Reader: I really am. I gotta thank you for the gift of logic, Mister Blogger. I know we’ve had our differences, but i have now seen with my own eyes the power of logical discourse.
The Blogger: What’ve i been telling you all this time?
The Good Reader: I know, i know. You were right about at least that one thing.